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Dear Hugh,

Although you look rather good for an 85 year old, you might have more success in your marriages if you started dating women of the same generation.

For example, Queen Elizabeth is also 85 and her marriage to the 90 year old Prince Phillip, has been very successful. However she has a busy schedule and this significantly impacts on her availability to laze by a pool all day in a dressing gown and attend your legendary parties.  Since the Queen is not an option, I have cast around for more suitable brides who share some common history with you and present the following list:

Lauren Bacall - 86. This does make her older than you and the Queen but Hugh, what is a year given that you are generally 60 years older than the women you marry?  Lauren has a great pedigree. She also remembers the War, that is, World War 2 and, like you, she lived through the Great Depression before anyone had ever heard of the acronym GFC. She married an older man, Humphrey Bogart, a screen legend, whom I'm sure you admired as a youth. She had an affair with Frank Sinatra, who surely wooed some of your playmates (including Marilyn Monroe) and had a distinctive raspy voice long before Demi Moore appeared in French Playboy magazine ‘Oui’ in 1982.

Sophia Loren – 76. You see Hugh, we're going down in age now. Italian screen siren, married to a much older man in her youth (much like the women who marry you).  Sophia was born into poverty and discovered on the streets of Naples. The great Peter Sellers was obsessed by her, so much so, that his marriage to a former playmate, Brit Ekland suffered. Sophia still looks great, sure she's had a bit of surgery, but this is to make her look 66, potentially 20 years younger than you.

Raquel Welch - 70 years old and looking fabulous. This screen beauty appeared on your cover in 1979 when she was in her late 30's. I suggest you rummage around for that old issue, cut out her picture, paste it on your overhead mirror and if you try really hard you can imagine she is still 38, which is almost 50 years younger than you.

Bridget Bardot.  Bridget is now 77 and surely inspired you to start Playboy.  No plastic surgery, animal rights activist, singer, actor and that wonderful French accent that can purr out your name. Unfortunately, she never appeared in Playboy but you can see pictures of her in bikinis and old movies that should satisfy your curiosity. You could never have got her in your youth but it might be worth a try now. She’s married millionaire playboys before so might consider marrying the original.

Well Hugh, how did you find my list of women? Are they to old and wrinkled, smart and savvy?  Too bad you can't see qualities in women other than youthful bodies and blonde hair. Don’t worry Hugh, they'll be wheeling you out when you can no longer walk and talk and the women will still be there. Ask yourself, are they really there for you or could it be another overwhelming attraction? Hugh, you have a lot of money and that makes young women prepared to overlook your sagging skin, incontinence and dirty old man syndrome. It is the money Hugh, not the physique and charm that disappeared along with the thousands of ageing playmates no longer invited to your soirees.

As for me Hugh, I'm afraid I'm out of the race too; I'm only 40 years younger than you.  Perhaps I had a shot when I was 26 and you were 66 but hey, I preferred men my own age.  However, if you ever want to consider women your age then I'll send you an updated list. 

Kindest Regards, Midlifexpress

Written by Sue Bell