Nobody else is honest enough to tell you this so I’m taking the plunge and giving it to you straight.
You’re not cool anymore. Not even the slightest bit hip or even passably trendy. In fact, you’ve become a bit sad.
I remember when you were the coolest actor in Hollywood. You dated the hottest actresses, supermodels and French starlets. You even owned The Viper Room, the coolest of cool nightclubs where hip bands like The Red Hot Chilli Peppers hung out.
You made cool movies with director pal Tim Burton and had the coolest hair that flopped over your eyes.
But somewhere along the way you stopped being cool and I’m trying to figure out why.
Is it your age?
You’re 53 and have had the midlife crisis thing going for a while now, ever since you left girlfriend Vanessa Paradis and hooked up with a woman 21 years your junior. In fact, your new girlfriend was cool but when she stood next to you everyone thought she’d mistakenly taken her dad on a date.
But it’s not really about age, is it Johnny? I mean, at 52 Keanu Reeves is still cool. Did you see the way he kicks arse in John Wick? Or there’s Tom Cruise — he’s 54 and was never cool, especially with the whole Scientology thing, but even he’s more hip than you now.
Is it your acting?
It’s true you haven’t made a good movie recently, what with The Rum Diary, Lone Ranger, Mortdecai and Alice Through the Looking Glass bombing at the box office. I guess the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise keeps it all going, but how much longer can you push that gig? You should have left while the scripts were still decent. Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly had the good sense to leave and neither of them is remotely cool.
Is it Amber Heard?
Okay, it got pretty rough there for a while. You got in trouble for ignoring Australia’s strict quarantine laws by smuggling Amber’s pet dogs in on your private plane. The trade minister, Barnaby Joyce, said they’d be euthanized within three days if they remained in the country.
Barnaby also made you make that awful video and apologize for the debacle. You sat there, looking half pissed while begrudgingly reading lines from the auto cue. The performance was so bad it deserved a Raspberry Award. But then you and Amber were having marital issues so you were probably distracted.
Is it your obsession with being a musician?
Johnny, I know you had some minor musical success in your early 20s, but that was a long time ago and you’re not the first actor who would rather be a musician. Remember Russell Crowe and his band Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts? They were terrible. Or Patrick Swayze’s ‘She’s like the Wind?’ which only proved he was a better dancer than a singer.
David Hasselhoff even tried with the excruciating ‘Du’, and 70s heart throb David Soul from Starsky and Hutch may have had a hit with ‘Don’t give up on us baby’ but all I remember about him was that he was accused of bashing his wife. By the way, I’m glad that nasty abuse case between you and Amber was resolved because I couldn’t think of anything less cool than that.
Is it your inability to grow up?
Peter Pan is a role model for people like you but the reality is that the Chris Barrie character (and you should know because you played Barrie in Finding Neverland) is a work of fiction. In the real world, the one outside Hollywood, people grow old.
Aren’t you tired of the rock’n’roll lifestyle? Didn’t you have enough of that at The Viper Room?
If you don’t take care of yourself then observe Val Kilmer. He was a handsome guy but too much food and/or substance abuse have resulted in a strong resemblance to Jabba the Hutt. Do you really want to be remembered as a drooling, wobbling ton of fat?
What to do?
Johnny, give up the booze and the younger women, put down that guitar and go buy some age appropriate clothing. Be grateful for all the fun you had when you were young and become a role model for the next generation of actors.
If you do take my advice then who knows?
People might even start to think that Johnny Depp is cool.
Johnny Depp’s Reincarnated Romance
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