Woody Allen said if you want to make God laugh then tell him your plans.
I told God I’m writing a self-help book and I want it to be a bestseller. He said I should be a stand-up comic instead. He could do with more laughs.
This is what I’d call an Almighty Setback.
But I’m sticking to my plan.
What I need are success pointers. So I buy a book called Make a Killing on Kindle. It’s my bible since God abandoned me.
So far, I’ve learnt two important things. First, an eBook needs a “Must Click” title. Second, its cover has to inspire “Click Lust.”
No one will buy my book if I ignore such advice. My bible is adamant about this.
My missive starts life as Mental Lifeboats: Seven Surefire Ways to Stay Sane in a Mad World.
I have no clue if it’s a Must Click title.
So I concentrate on a Click Lust cover.
I think Mental Lifeboats suggests a rustic setting. Perhaps a canoe on a tranquil river will get people excited.
My sister Sue is the cover designer. I email her with my new click wisdom:
Me: The cover has to make people lust after the book. Could you find a picture of a boat on a lake? Surrounded by nature.
Sue: It would look better with a picture of you in the boat.
Me: No, a picture of me would put people off. I look like the Crypt Keeper. Leave the boat empty.
Sue: No, an empty boat on a river is creepy.
Me: Could you fill it with fluffy animals then? (I had a sudden insight that little creatures might inspire Click Lust).
Sue: Absolutely not. You’re writing a book about sanity and a boat with fluffy animals makes you look anything but sane. No animals.
Me: What about a possum?
Sue: No possum.
Me: Ok. Maybe a beaver?
Sue: No beaver. I think it needs a picture of a nice lady. We can always change it later.
I’m unsure if this nice lady will inspire Click Lust but I’ve wasted enough time already.
I need to write.
By the time I get back into the flow I can’t find seven ways to stay sane. I can only think of five.
So my Must Click title becomes Five Unusual Ways to Stay Sane in a Mad World.
It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever written.
One of the chapters is on mindfulness. And it involves a zombie invasion, a band of survivors, and a trip to the supermarket.
At this point, I consider stand-up comedy. I’ve even made myself laugh.
The book lies in eLimbo for months until I give it one last go.
It’s still a self-help book and it’s now called The Mesolithic Diet for Mind and Body.
I have no idea if people will lust after it. I’ve moved on.
All I want to do is finish the thing so I can read it.
I need all the help I can get.