Something’s been bothering me for some time and it’s a bit of a mystery.
How did you become such a successful actress?
I’ve wondered about your rise to fame ever since you first appeared on screen in the 1983 movie BMX Bandits. Back then you were cute as a button with frizzy red hair and freckly skin and perfectly suited to low budget Australian movies.
The problem is you didn’t stay there. Instead, you moved from obscure films to the Hollywood A-list where you could inflict your wooden acting onto a worldwide audience.
You’ve even won an Oscar.
So what is the secret to your success? Why do perfectly sane people cast you in movies they know will never make any money?
Think about it.
You were terrible in Batman Forever. If there was any chemistry between you and Val Kilmer it must have been in the science lab because it sure didn’t happen on-screen.
You were also terrible in My Life, Malice, Far and Away, Practical Magic, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Peacemaker, The Interpreter, The Human Stain, Queen of the Desert and do I need to go on?
And as for your performance in Australia, I can hardly find the words.
To be fair, you were passable in Moulin Rogue but I think that was a fluke.
Surprisingly, I’ve also heard good reports about Lion but I need to see it for myself before I believe anything. Everyone who has seen it says, “Even Nicole Kidman isn’t too bad.” That’s a great compliment, Nic, because most Australians think you can’t act.
Okay, there is the best actress Oscar for playing Virginia Wolfe in The Hours that needs explanation. After all, if your peers could award you their highest accolade then you can’t be that bad. However, I can explain that too. Virginia Wolfe had a large nose but you don’t so the makeup department made a prosthetic one. That piece of silicon was so good that nobody actually realised you were in the movie. The nose won the Oscar.
I’m sorry to be so harsh but the truth is I’ve never met anyone who thinks you can act. Then again, I’ve never met anyone who likes Donald Trump and he’s the President, so maybe I don’t get out enough.