Who wants to play Amanda Seyfried Stole My Face?

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Dakota Fanning and Amanda Seyfried

I’ve invented a game.

It’s called Amanda Seyfried Stole My Face (Replaceable Actors spin-off)

Amanda Seyfried Stole My Face goes something like this: What would you do if you fell into a black hole and emerged in another reality to discover someone has stolen your career?

(Strangely, something like this seems to have happened already in the 2001 film, Imposter, whereby an alien simulates Gary Sinise so convincingly that upon discovering his future career is a starring role in the CSI Miami television franchise, he immediately self-destructs.)

Think of it this way: Celebrity is like competitive sports — someone will always break your record.

Take Lindsay Lohan, for example. Her wild behaviour rapidly eclipsed original teen nightmare Drew Barrymore, who wrote Little girl Lost as a cautionary tale of Hollywood excess. Barrymore emphasised the importance of parental guidance (PG) but compared with Lohan, her adventures would now earn a general (G) rating. Therefore, Lohan wins Amanda Seyfried Stole My Face.

And that’s the gist; if you don’t get it by now, you probably never will.

Luckily, though, the game has loose rules and if you’ve never heard of Seyfried, don’t despair. She is the sexier version of Dakota Fanning and hence the game’s inspiration.

Anyway, the latest pair to play Amanda Seyfried Stole My Face is Pope Francis and the Dalia Lama.

Dalai Lama and Pope Francis

If you haven’t been Vatican watching — and lets face it, who does? — Pope Francis is unlike his predecessor, the rather stern and scary Pope Benedict XVI, and more like, well, the Dalai Lama. That is, Pope Francis appears to be a fairly open minded, progressive spiritual leader just like everyone’s favourite Tibetan monk.

For those unfamiliar with Tibetan monks, the Dalai Lama reincarnates tirelessly throughout history (don’t ask me how). His kind, smiling face and words of wisdom have inspired many quotes, books and tours of Western countries. The Dalai Lama attends conferences on happiness and world summits on climate change and has forged a new way of negotiating with world leaders, inviting many to visit him in his Indian hideaway and join him for a spot of meditation.

After seeing this venerable monk in action, The Vatican must have decided it was time for an image change because Pope Francis genuinely has intelligent things to say. He recently admitted that the Church should reconsider its role in the 21st Century and, if possible, adapt to a world of science, technology and Netflix.

Incidentally, The Royal Family, also an outdated feudal-era relic who nearly got lynched by an angry mob after Princess Diana’s death, recently played a round of Amanda Seyfried Stole My Face and have given us dual winners in the thoroughly modern, photogenic sisters Kate and Pippa,

The Catholic church took note of this, too, because the new pope is also thoroughly modern (he even has an ebook). In fact, not since the Dalai Lama became a pin-up for Hollywood stars has a an elderly man brought so much joy and passion to the masses.

Did the Vatican finally realise that a happy, elderly gentleman who supports trade unions, fighting against injustice and reinvigorating the Catholic Church, is a more attractive proposition than someone who gives repetitive lectures on the evils of contraception, female priests and gay marriage?

Is the plan to promote Pope Francis as an alternative to the Dalai Lama a coup d’etat? (Technically, you can’t overthrow the leader of another religion, but just go with me on this one). Has Pope Francis just beaten the Dalia Lama to win Amanda Seyfried Stole My Face?

Only time, and Dakota Fanning’s career, will tell.

Sue Bell

Sue Bell is an entertainment writer and author of Backpacked: A mostly true story, Beat Street and When Dreamworks came to Stanley.

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