cartoon frenchman

Monsieur, don’t leave us this way

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cartoon frenchman

In an ironic twist of epic proportions, the delectable Monsieur — Carmen Neutral’s employment coach and shining French lighthouse beacon — has himself been made redundant. Is this surprising in a world going madder by the minute? 

Maelstrom of world gloom

This week brought news of Mr and Mrs Nigella Lawson’s restaurant fracas, and their return to the same restaurant the following day; to re-enact the fracas?

And how are things going in Syria I wonder?

There were job losses at Target and rumours of ANZ jobs marked to go off-shore.

Meanwhile in Italy, fashion icons Dolce and Gabbana were given a jail sentence for tax dodging. James Gandolfini’s death at 51 was a shock.

And in Australia the possible end of the $1 litre of milk was announced.

In Celebrity Apprentice there was the dual sacking of mature jobseekers Dawn Fraser and Prue MacSween. Please explain that one Mr. Bouris? After all your yadda yadda about respecting elders are you really deep down one of those full-blown retrosexuals with hidden elephantine tendencies? (a workplace hazard explained in an earlier post).

With Roxy and Ricy now earmarked for the top job, your boardroom antics no longer impress me. And this week Mr Bouris, I fire you! And to top it all off in this season of discontent, a new survey shows singles find dating in winter challenging and many don’t bother.

So where to from here for the desperate and dateless among us? Do we save resources by speed dating whilst in line at Australia Post? I believe it’s popular among midlifers down on the Victorian peninsula.

Where is my shining Monsieur beacon?

After this maelstrom of gloom, I needed a shining beacon to point the way forward. And believe it or not (after my week AWOL), even though I’ve had my issues with Monsieur, today I felt that he would be my shining French lighthouse.

So I sincerely looked forward to de-constructing a new module together this week. That’s what my life has come to at this murky stage of the job seeking game. S*it happens. And, as I entered our classroom, despite a Ground Hog Day odour in the air, I decided to seize the day for its potential to bring a sense of continuity and French stability.

And of course there would be the baguettes.

Sometimes, in fact often in life, predictability has its comforts. Which is why we all need jobs. C’est la vie!

Monsieur’s ship is sailing

But alas, today Monsieur announced he is leaving us! His ship is sailing.

Soon the French flag will no longer be flying high in our unemployables class (or on my front porch). And Monsieur said that last week’s class, the class that I’d absconded from, was the best class he’d ever had! I didn’t know I’d been such a disturbance Monsieur?

What can I do to make up for it? Cupcakes? Un à un? More cupcakes? Je suis désolé Monsieur.

Poor Monsieur said they no longer had a place for him at the employment network.

And we unemployables became more miserable than ever after that announcement. And in unison we all said: How could it be?! And we all told him how much we loved him. That we didn’t want him to leave. That if he couldn’t teach us there, perhaps there was another place? – an empty scout hall, a nearby cafe? His place or mine?! BYO baguette. (S’il vous plaît excusez mon français?)

And he too is applying for jobs. It’s so sad. So we have two more classes with him and then a party with Monsieur when he is going to bring a surprise. I cannot wait.
But wouldn’t you know it, I’ve doubled up on my appointments next week. And there I was; actually looking forward to visiting my gynaecologist (anything to avoid the modules) and now I’m actually re-scheduling that highlight in the diary to squeeze in a final baguette moment with Monsieur.

The world and my priorities have gone mad! I can’t bear thinking about it. And Monsieur, we haven’t even had that essential un à un that you save for your special unemployables. I so want that un à un now!

So where to from here? What lies ahead for us miserable?

And even for you Monsieur? There are, after all, a further dozen untouched modules remaining. In the pre-election frenzy, I asked Monsieur if he wanted us to storm the Canberra Bastille and forward a petition to have him, the modules, and the baguettes reinstated.

Admittedly, I was surprised in today’s class to discover, amidst Monsieur’s sad news, a new level of frustration among my miserable comrades. I was dismayed to find unsettling signs of in-fighting and back-stabbing. Were my class mates in poverty row going to start eating each other, as observed among the contestants in Celebrity Apprentice ?

And, so soon after last week’s highly successful Team Skills module. C’est la vie! However, forewarned is forearmed, and some among us are better armed than others. When oversharing about our interests and hobbies today, it was revealed that we had an ace archer in our group.

Boy was I impressed. Wish I had that skill to put on my CV. Meantime, Monsieur, I take it all back. All that stuff I have suggested about you being a self-interested, outcomes obsessed, potential serial killer; or a stalker with a feline fetish, or severe case of fur-ball? That was my overly active hormones talking et est de l’eau sous le pont!

And after my self-imposed hiatus, je suis une femme d’un certain âge – toujours obligé mutuellement pour vous.

Ma chérie plat français). Et je ne regrette rien.

Originally, this post appeared on Carmen’s 50 Shades of Unemployment blog and it’s published on Midlifexpress with her kind permission.

Author: Carmen Neutral

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